New Beginnings

So here we go, another cheesy post about the start of a new year, and a new decade. I realise I may have slightly neglected this blog over the last few months but I'm back. And, I hope, for good.

You see, 2019 was quite an eye-opener of a year for me. I experienced a lot of new things. A lot that I wanted, a lot that I didn't. But in hindsight I know that no matter how I felt at the time, these experiences have only made me 1) stronger and 2) realise I may finally be on the right path.

16 days into 2020 and I must say it hasn't been the bright new beginning I was hoping for.

But honestly, when is it ever? January is a bleak month in most places, and for most people. So here I am, sitting in a café on the eclectic street that is Exmouth Market, watching as people sip on coffee and cocktails and continue to submerge themselves in this blue Thursday evening - as the skies turn from a light grey to an ashen black. With my first completely empty day on my schedule in weeks, I have taken this opportunity to reflect on what it is I want from this year - and what I should strive for in the next decade of my life.

To me, there are three 'compartments' I need to focus on: my career, my health and my relationships.

Finance and Career

This one is pretty big. My first 2020 resolution was to be more financially controlled, and thus far I've done pretty well. But again, we're only 16 days in.

As a student journalist, I don't have a lot of hope for big dollar signs in the future. But my career hopes, which I've been dreaming about since the age of about 10, never really entailed being rich and famous.

I just want to make enough to get by now, get my future children through school, and retire somewhere quiet and peaceful where I can live out the rest of my days in a house by the beach with my future husband (and cats of course!)

Right now, I'm managing a stable part-time job at an amazing Kiwi coffee shop, an internship at a climate change magazine, and with these, alongside a very controlled will to spend money, I'm hoping that I'll be able to save up enough to get a good summer holiday in before I leave for my Sandwich Year in Australia. Of course, I want to have enough left over to keep living in the southern hemisphere without depending too much on my parents. And maybe some for when I get back to London for fourth year..?

I've also come to a point in life where I need to decide what branch of journalism I want to go into. Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to become a humanitarian journalist, someone who could travel to the Middle East on command and report stories about people in conflict, while communicating in perfectly fluent Arabic. I am in my second year of this language, and absolutely adore it. But having spoken to numerous professionals lately, I've realised it's going to take me a lot longer to get to that level of work/that specific field.

That is why my real calling might be climate change journalism. Which is why this year, I am making it my priority. By the end of this year, I want some real proof of in-depth climate studies, and perhaps a few by-lines for this type of career.

Health

A relatively broad category, I know that my mental health has definitely come a long way since I started running, and especially since I started searching for external sources of help. Groups, close friends and sometimes even my own dog all contributed to the more put-together person I am now.

My mental health is starting to heal, slowly, but it is getting there. I feel as though the subject has always been quite a mystery to me, but as I grow - and as I meet more people who have experienced the same things as me - I am becoming a much stronger and stable person.

I'd like to say that running definitely put me on this path to becoming stronger. But it also didn't. This sport almost has a duo-influence on me. Two influences that completely contradict one another.

The first, is the way that running has helped me escape my everyday issues, or negative feelings. The high that I get after a run is probably irreplaceable, and the way I can completely empty myself of any anger or sadness throughout exercise is a process I can't really do while I'm reading, or writing or even watching a movie. Running to me is almost an essential now. I can't live without it.

But on the other hand, going for a run was something I had to do everyday for a long time because otherwise I would not allow myself to eat. Without exercise, my brain told me that I did not deserve calorie intakes and because of this, running became something I depended on to feel less guilty about my binges. Which is how I developed the state of mind I did over the last two years. Running wasn't just an escape, it was an excuse.

In 2019 I set myself out to run a half-marathon. And after a horrible turn in March, I thought I was never going to make it. Following this, I underwent a period of complete ups and downs - but in October of that same year, I managed to get through the Royal Parks Half - half an hour under my predicted time!

With this done, I felt as though I needed to take a step back. Keep running, but shift my priorities. Enjoy the exercise, choose the days I felt like I could take on a run, and fill the others with new activities. My life was no longer dictated by a training plan and I felt so liberated. Don't get me wrong, I still run quite frequently - but it is no longer an excuse.

I want 2020 to be my healthiest year ever. Physically and mentally. Again, I know this is easier said than done. But I know that the first step is saying it out loud. Confronting my inner critic with an even stronger voice. The voice of reason, and the voice of compassion.

Relationships

While this isn't always within my control, I feel as though relationships (friends or partners) are a part of my life that I have learnt about more in the last year than anything else.

I still haven't been able to accept, or be at peace with the idea of being single. Or the thought that I can be happy without a partner in life. It's a lot easier said than done. But I do know now what is right and what is wrong.

And though I still believe in seeing the best in people, a principle I probably won't ever be able to dismiss, I also understand the poison that can come with some people. Poison that I don't really have to live with just because it exists. In fact, in this period in life I am meeting so many people everyday that I really shouldn't have to put up with any negativity.

So this year I want it to finally be the year of new relationships. I will no longer be the person who says yes to everything, or the person who stays in a relationship because she takes pity on them, or even the person who does favours for people that she knows she will never ever receive in return.

Learning to be a little selfish is a concept I never wanted to acknowledge, because as it clearly says, it entails being selfish. But 2020 is my year to be selfish. Take my life by the reigns and say no to the even slightly poisonous relationships.

So here we go 2020, here's my new beginning.

What's yours? I'd love to hear about it in the comments below!