It's officially two months since the beginning of isolation. It's time we get more real.
Recently, staying positive has been essential - because like many people who are desperately afraid of losing control, or of not having every little thing planned, it's the only thing I've got going. And while I know that inside I'm still fighting this voice, undermining every little thing I do - I've tried to push it down, ignore it, and argue back with a gentle, kinder voice.
But it's not working anymore.
For as long as I can remember, I have owned a planner. Organisation and perfection were two things I strived for in everything that I did. If something went wrong, out came the lists, out came the diary, and I would make sure to record the downfalls so I never made the same mistake twice.
Unfortunately that personality trait evolved. That organisation turned to need of control, extreme stubbornness, and, at moments, obsessiveness.
I've struggled with food anxiety since the age of 12. That age when boys suddenly notice you, and girls start to compare each other's body types in the school bathroom mirrors. I was always ahead of my friends in the classroom, but outside of that, I was always behind. And I couldn't have that.
This anxiety is common for about 70% of adolescent girls, and while some eventually grow out of it, many live with it for the rest of their lives.
Right now, more than ever, mental health is a concern we must bring to light. Aside from unemployment and family losses, and those struggling to fill their days with tasks that can replace social activities - lockdown will be especially hard on those with eating disorders.
I have seen posts across social media joking about the "Quarantine 15" - the number of pounds people think they will gain due to less activity and more boredom eating. And yeah, it's something that people can relate to, and maybe try and see the humour in. But for the hundreds of thousands diagnosed with eating disorders, completely getting thrown out of a routine is something like a prison sentence.
Of course, I can't speak for myself when I say lockdown has been really difficult. I managed to get home. My parents are still employed. And I more or less have a contingency plan for when this all finishes. So why does life still feel incomplete?
Unfortunately, mental wellbeing doesn't work that way. And sometimes, you can feel okay one minute, and like you're in a black hole the next. All it takes is that small trigger, that one thing you were clinging on to, to vanish, and that's it. You're back where you started.
Recovery is a long process, so for those who started just before Covid-19 came into play, it won't be surprising if you've fallen off the wagon. In fact, we will probably be facing the biggest mental health crisis the world has seen when we come out of lockdown - if we aren't already experiencing one now.
Personally I will admit that while things were looking great at the start of 2020, this pandemic has certainly damaged my outlook. I couldn't control having to move out of my flat in London, or not finding chickpeas when I did the groceries. I couldn't control the fact that I had to come home on April 7th, or I wouldn't be seeing my family for months. I couldn't even control my meals or my usual exercise routine when I had to sit in quarantine for 14 days. And going from complete independence, and a planner with every moment of every day scheduled out - to this - was one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced.
Usually, when I feel like that - I will search for other sources of control. In the past, that will have been my food preparation. But this time that wasn't an option. So I filled my days completely, with ways to be distracted and still feel productive.
Now I've come to a sort of dead end. A place where I haven't run out of things to do, because I never will, but a place where things I do feel empty. I will experiences moments where I feel unaccomplished and mindless. And then I will be reminded of what I have, and suddenly feel grateful.
The mind works in mysterious ways - it will fill with thoughts when we don't want it to, and it will empty in those times that we need it the most. And this cycle - verging from one extreme to the other - can be exhausting. But if there's one thing I've learnt from the past 8 weeks of restriction, it's that distraction is not a solution.
In fact, sitting alone and noticing those thoughts, that will actually help you more - whether that's thinking during meditation, during a walk, or during a run. Think - notice - develop.
Transform your worries into hopes, and notice the silver lining that comes with each one.
Yes, the mind is a prison - but the mind is also a garden - where you control the growth of each thought that you plant. Your thoughts can be sunflowers and roses, but they can also be gladioli - able to withstand even the bleakest of times during this lockdown.